''Am I good enough?''

So as I sit here after putting my child to sleep I am filled up with rage and disgust! How is it fair that the other person that created her cannot be bothered to be in her life?
Well, the simple fact is; He isnt there, but I am.
No it isnt fair, but can I cope? Yes.
The past has shown me that I can cope and I still am coping but, I am only human and I am going to feel these horrible emotions of neglect from him towards my child.

Personally, it is hard for me to process these emotions, especially with my recent diagnosis of PND.
It's a constant battle between fighting off my depressive thoughts of not being a "good enough Mum" and having this selfish human as my childs father that seems to find fault with everything I do, instead of loving and supporting his child.
Someone once told me that thoughts/opinions aren't facts and that really is something to live by.
Just because my ex has told me I'm not a "good Mum'' does not mean it's the truth although it seems to resonate in my mind over and over again like a broken record.
But if you are in a similar situation, be kind to yourself and don't dwell on the negative thoughts too much. Swap a negative thought with a positive one and see how that may change your whole perspective on things.

I found myself walking home today, talking to my child (general chit chat) but analysing her emotions as If I was seeking answers from her, is she happy? is she content? and this is the hardest thing with PND as you are in a constant battle with your mind looking for reassurance to fight off these thoughts that you arent good enough, when really you are doing the best that you can in the circumstance.

So the question is, am I good enough for my child?

My child is happy, healthy, intelligent bundle of joy and positive energy and I constantly question (especially when I have a low mood) if she deserves to be around all of that negativity?
The answer is simple, she is my child.
I love her, provide for her and make sure all her needs are met. So yes, I am deserving of my child and she is developing so well because of her environment, which is being with me, all day every day. So surely that evidence in itself is a reflection of good parenting.

I just want to send out a message to all of thse Mums and Dads that are asking themselves this challenging question of "Am I good enough?'' you have to look at the facts of things and use that as your evidence that you are being a good parent, those negative thoughts are just the illness being a soul clenching gremlin!

I'd suggest for parents finding it hard to recognise what they do for their child, to write down every night the things they have done for their child, whether that be the cooking, washing, reading a book, food shopping, playtime and giggles! It all adds up to being a great parent.

I will now go to bed with a less heavy soul now after writing this and I do hope that i have helped someone who is reading this, thankyou for reading.

Mummy J

Hello, welcome to my story...

Hello...

This is an invitation for you to join me in my journey of me becoming a new Mum and the experiences of motherhood.

These will include my trials, recent diagnosis of PND and  how i've felt honestly as a mother in both my happiest and lowest points during the past 9 months.

I want to write this as raw and as honestly as I can, as a mother, human and survivor of a severe illness (still battling on in some aspects)...
What I really want to acheive is to share my experiences to everyone but especially those who are finding things hard.


Mummy J